Darkest Days
by CSI-girl419
Summary: Of all the words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these... it might have been. CaRWash
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or any of its characters**

**Darkest Days**

"They want you to do what?!" Calleigh yelled.

"Cal, it's only for a year. One year and then I'll be home for good," Ryan said, presenting his case before his wife.

"A whole year Ryan? You make it sound like that's no time at all," she said, trying to keep her voice steady. Inside she felt like she was on fire. Anger oozed out of the hole he had made in her heart. Frustration was building and she knew this was going to end badly. She paced the bedroom like a caged animal.

"It isn't that long, and then I promise no more undercover missions. Cal, this is a great career opportunity for me," Ryan said, trying to make her understand, by force if necessary. He wanted this very badly, and he wasn't going to let anything stand in his way.

She flipped to face him, fire in her eyes. "A good career opportunity? Honestly Ryan, do you think about anyone besides yourself? When you married me, you promised that we'd work through life together, doing what was best for both of us," she spit, venom in her voice.

"Cal I need to do this right now," he said, trying to take her hand, which she pulled from his grasp, "My team needs me for one last mission."

"What about me?" Calleigh asked, "What about our daughter? Don't you think we need you?"

"Don't you think you're being a little selfish Cal?" Ryan fumed.

"Selfish? You're the one that wants to abandon your family for a year, and you think _I'm_ the one that's selfish?" she accused, getting right in his face.

"You guys have gotten along just fine before when I've left," Ryan pointed out, "Done well in fact."

"The most you've been gone before was three weeks at a time," Calleigh said, not understanding his logic, "A year is a whole different story. Do you really want your daughter to grow up not knowing who her father is? She's three, Ryan. Three years old and you want to abandon her."

"That's why you're here, so I'm not abandoning her," Ryan said.

"Oh so all I'm good for is to take care of your child when you're off having all your crazy adventures?" Calleigh yelled.

"Well it's not like I wanted her in the first place!" Ryan yelled back. He immediately regretted it when he saw the hurt in Calleigh's eyes. She looked as if he'd slapped her. "Cal...I'm...I'm sorry. I didn't mean it," he said trying to soften the blow.

"Go take one last look at your daughter and then get out," Calleigh said quietly, looking away from him.

"Cal, I..." Ryan tried, putting a hand on her shoulder.

She shrugged his hand off. "Just go," she said quietly again, never turning around to meet his eyes.

Ryan sighed and walked to the door of their bedroom. He turned around to take one last look at her, and then walked across the hall to his daughter's room. She was sleeping peacefully in her little bed, all wrapped up in pink and lace dreams. He bent down by the bed, tucking the covers tighter around her as he brushed his lips to her forehead.

"I love you Becca," he whispered before turning to the door. He stopped long only long enough to pick up his already packed duffel bag, before walking out the front door.

Calleigh heard the front door slam and she sank to the bench at the end of their bed. Hot tears filled her eyes, burning her cheeks as they ran down her face. She'd offered him the opportunity to stay and work things out. She had hoped that this time he would choose her over his work, but once again he had left her behind. She wrapped her robe more tightly around her shivering figure. Sobs shook her whole body. There was only one thing that she would be feeling tonight: alone.

**A/N: So what do you think? Should I continue?**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews guys! You are the greatest! I replied to each of your reviews, but then went all weird and so I don't know if they all came through. If they didn't just know that I am very thankful for all the reviews! I know this chapter is short, but I like how the end of this part parallels the first chapter. I hope you enjoy!**

Three years later...

"So see you around midnight then?" Charlie asked his partner.

"Yeah, that sounds about right," Ryan said, walking up to his apartment building, "Don't forget the fake IDs and the spare gun."

"Okay," Charlie said, moving on down the street.

Ryan sighed and walked up the rickety flight of stairs to his cramped apartment. He opened the door to the cluttered space he called home and threw his jacket over the chair by the door. Papers were scattered all over the apartment and there were empty pizza boxes and beer bottles on almost every flat surface. The messy state of the apartment still freaked him out, but he knew he had to keep up appearances if he was ever going to succeed on this mission. A mission that was supposed to have only lasted a year, but had soon dragged on to three. He had gotten used to Chicago in that time, even called it home once or twice, but at the back of his mind he knew there was somewhere else he should be.

Ryan knew he should sleep if he was going to be alert tonight, but he couldn't get his mind to shut down. He walked to the fridge and pulled out another bottle of beer. Popping the top he took a long swig before stooping to pick up the mail and then plopping on the couch. He couldn't count the number of nights he had spent on this couch, trying to drink away memories of her. Somehow he had never been able to do it, though. The alcohol might numb the pain for a while, but the memories were always just as fresh in the morning as they had ever been.

He flipped through the mail in his hand. Bill...catalog...another bill...advertisement... He stopped short when something caught his eye. It was a letter, addressed in a hand he recognized, her name on the return label. He hadn't heard from her since the night she kicked him out. He had sent her a letter when he made it to Chicago apologizing for the things that he had said, but she had never written him back. Which was just as well, he thought, made it easier to live a lie.

He slipped a finger under the edge of the seal and opened the envelope. Inside was a single sheet of paper. He got a sinking feeling in his stomach when he saw the tears stains on the paper and the short message inside:

_Our daughter is dead. I need you to come home._

_Calleigh_

He held a hand to his mouth as the idea sunk in. He felt like he was going to throw up. His little girl..dead? What had happened? He was numb for quite some time, not feeling anything at all. Then all at once the reality of the situation hit, along with the grief behind it. Tears came to his eyes and he cried. He dropped the letter and put his face in his hands. Bitter tears of anguish and sorrow wracked his body for a long time. For the first time since coming to Chicago, he felt alone.

**A/N: Bet you didn't see that coming! ;) I really didn't expect this story to be told from Ryan's POV, but it kinda ended up that way. If you liked it, please review! There is more to come!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hey guys (cough)! I'm updating as promised, but the chapter is short because I've been feeling under the weather lately. (sneeze) Thank you so much to all who have reviewed! I love hearing from you! Here's the back story you guys have all been looking for. It's not much, but it's all there. Hope you enjoy!**

When the reservoir of tears had long since dried up, Ryan stood and made his way to the phone. He made arrangements for a 5 AM flight to Miami and then hung up the phone. He packed what little in the apartment meant anything to him, stowing it away in an old blue duffle bag. He wrote a note to his undercover partner and stuck it to his front door with a tack. Charlie was going to be furious that Ryan was walking out on him. They had been tracking this crime boss for over two years now and tonight was the night they were going to put him away for good. Ryan didn't care anymore. All that mattered was getting home to what little he had left of his family.

He left early and sat in the airport waiting area for several hours. Over and over in his mind he played memories of Becca's life, moments that they had shared together. He kept seeing her smiling face and hearing her tinkling laugh. Her laughs sounded like bells, Calleigh used to say.

Ryan shook his head and leaned forward, resting his forearms on his legs. Things between him and Calleigh had never been easy. Drinks after work had led to spending more and more time together, and eventually they were nearly inseparable. Three months after they had started dating, Calleigh had discovered she was pregnant. It was very unexpected and totally unplanned, but Ryan had stepped up to the plate. He married her just three months before baby Becca was born. For a while Becca had made their marriage stronger, but eventually Ryan started to feel trapped. He hadn't wanted to be tied down by wife, let alone a child. He began doing undercover work for the FBI, which meant spending days, sometimes weeks away from his family. This had only put more strain on an already difficult situation. He loved the freedom he got from being undercover, but he hated his returns home when Calleigh would constantly guilt trip him for spending so much time away. He honestly and deeply loved both Calleigh and Becca, but he had blinders on as to what was best for him and his family. Then the opportunity to work for a year in Chicago was dropped into his lap and he snatched it up. He promised himself that after this one, there would be no more; he would become the perfect husband and hold a regular job again.

'So much for that idea,' he huffed to himself. There had always been a tomorrow to spend with Calleigh and Becca, always more time to watch her grow up. Time was up now, though, and there was no turning back the sands in this hourglass.

He had failed his friends, his family, his wife, and most especially, his daughter. How could he go back and ask their forgiveness? He didn't deserve it, and he knew it. He still loved Calleigh with all his heart, but there was no way she would take him back now.

They called for his flight to board and he stood, shuffling with the sea of people towards the plane. After he was seated he leaned his head back and closed his eyes. A tear trickled out and ran down his face. This plane was taking him back home, but did he have a home left there?

**A/N: Please review! The next chapter is probably the last, but we will see...my plot fairy has been whispering possible sequels to me. I'll get it posted as soon as I get feeling better! Thanks again!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thank you so much to all who reviewed! I love reading the reviews and I appreciate each and every one of them. Enjoy this last chapter of **_**Darkest Days**_.

There was no one at the airport to pick him up, but he really hadn't expected there to be. He took a taxi to a hotel and got himself a room. Finding a phone book, he dialed the number of almost every funeral home in Miami before finding the one that was taking care of the body of his only child. From there he got the information about where the funeral was to take place and when.

With only three hours until the funeral, he dressed in a black suit and tie and combed his hair. A look in the mirror told him all he needed to know. He was in mourning and would be for long time to come. He wasn't only mourning the loss of his daughter, he was mourning the life he had taken for granted, a life he had left behind. If only he could go back...but then, no. That was impossible. He would have to live with that choice for the rest of his life.

The taxi ride to the funeral home was short, and before he knew it, he was standing in front of a large brick building. He waited outside until he was sure everyone was inside and seated. Opening the door in the back of the room slowly, he edged in and took a seat on the very back row. Looking around he saw many familiar faces; there was Alexx and her husband and children; Natalia was seated just to their left and every now and again he could see her lift a tissue to her eyes. Next was Eric, looking more somber than Ryan had ever seen him. Horatio was seated on the end of the row, dressed in a black suit. Ryan could tell he was trying to hold it together as best as he could.

Between Eric and Horatio was a blond haired beauty that made his heart skip a beat. She was wearing a black dress suit and her hair was pulled back in a barrette. Even from his spot on the back row, Ryan could tell that her eyes were puffy and red. In her lap was a ragged old teddy bear that Ryan recognized as Becca's favorite. Calleigh was holding the bear close to her and rubbing its worn paw between her fingers.

The funeral services began and steps in Becca's short life were remembered by those who knew her best. Calleigh's father spoke of Becca's first words and summer trips to Louisiana. Ryan's mother was there and spoke about Becca's musical talents, talents that Ryan hadn't been around to see her develop. Horatio stood and talked about Becca's sweet personality and her love of life. He talked about how she was the sunshine of the crime lab, and the joy she brought to all that knew her. He reminisced about her first steps and other milestones in her life.

When Horatio stepped down, Calleigh was sobbing. Eric put a comforting arm around her and Horatio offered her a handkerchief. Ryan's heart broke. It should have been him up there next to Calleigh, wiping her tears and crying with her. Instead he was sitting in the back, forced to be a shadow.

Several other people spoke and through their words Ryan learned that Becca had died from a serious bout of pneumonia. It had come on quickly and she had passed just a quickly. He should have been here for her. He looked at the pictures displayed on either side of the tiny white casket. They were pictures that he had never seen. His baby girl had grown up without him there, but he would have recognized her regardless. She was missing her front teeth in one of the pictures and her sparkling green eyes conveyed her enthusiasm for life. Oh, how he missed her.

After the funeral was over, Horatio, Eric, Calleigh's father, and Alexx's husband picked up the casket and took it outside to be loaded into the hearse. Ryan escaped to the side before they could see him. As he watched Calleigh exit the funeral home, he wanted to run over to her, but his shame prevented him from doing so.

He had the taxi follow them to the cemetery and he walked the short distance to the grave site. More words were said on behalf of the little girl they were burying and then the mourners walked up to the casket to pay their final respects. He waited until most of the mourners had left before he stepped forward. He walked towards the tiny coffin, a beautiful white rose in his hand. He heard the series of whispered gasps as he passed his friends and family. He stopped at the casket and gazed at the rose, before gently placing it on top of the white lacquered coffin.

"Goodbye Becca," he choked, tears running down his face. He stood with his hand pressed against the coffin for a long time, saying goodbye in the only way he could. Eventually he turned and walked to the back of the gathering once more.

They watched the casket be lowered into the ground and one by one the mourners began to disperse. No one spoke to him as they left, though many watched him. He avoided eye contact and kept his head lowered. He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to see Horatio standing over him. Horatio said nothing, but an understanding passed between them. Horatio turned just slightly to look at Calleigh and then looked back at Ryan as if to say, "Go ahead". Ryan nodded, taking a deep breath as Horatio walked away. He stood and walked towards the grave wondering what on earth he should say.

Calleigh heard a noise behind her and turned to find Ryan standing a few yards away. They were alone in the graveyard, just as she had been alone for the past three years. Her heart ached when she saw him and tears filled her eyes.

Ryan felt a rush of emotions as he looked at her. Here they were, together again, and yet so far apart. He took a step forward and was surprised when she rushed into his embrace.

As Calleigh wrapped her arms around him, she felt weak, but at the same time strengthened by his hold. She held on with all she had in her, afraid that if she let go, she would be alone again.

Ryan held her tight and neither spoke. He felt warm tears falling down his face as he grieved for what he had lost. He could feel her shaking and knew she was crying too. She felt so right in his arms and held on tighter. Neither one noticed when the rain began to fall; it mixed with the tears on their faces on its trek to the ground.

Nothing from the past could be erased, and nothing was going to make them whole again, but standing together in the rain, they found what both had lost. Each other.

**The End**

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**A/N: There you have it, the story my plot bunnies fed to me. The ending came as a total surprise to me, but I like the way that it ended here, full of promise, yet not leaving it in a completely dismal mood. It was supposed to me a simple one chapter oneshot, but I extended it to four chapters to see what would happen. This is where the story stops for me at this time, however, if you would like me to continue, I might be persuaded to do so**.** Let me know through your review what you think. Also, I'm thinking of releasing this plot and its characters (the ones I own anyway) to you to write your own stories. I think I've beat this horse to death, but if you want to take my ideas and write your own stories, just PM me and let me know. I'd be more than happy to release them to your capable hands! Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed!**


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